when you bleed fast and hard, you eviscerate

going through my moleskin was a rude shock.

revisiting my words, my fragments a month past bangkok, i felt my heart lurch once again. the signs were all there, but i'd steadfastly ignored how i felt, choosing instead to walk with you, to walk in your shoes -- thinking, in my foolishness, things would eventually turn out fine; thinking, I'll let you call the shots since you deserve a well-earned break from school and the stresses of moving. thinking, you deserved the faith, my faith in you.

how wrong i was. it never began on a level playing field. you never respected me enough to care about my feelings, you never cared enough to treat me fairly. how many times have i asked of you, to be honest, to reach out every once in a while?

in the end, you sapped me of everything.

in the end, i'm just a dog -- worse than one, really -- that you could manipulate at will.

Scribblings that won't stop mocking.

she asked me, once upon the time, if i would mind if she called p.
i said, sure. why the hell not?
she said i was the coolest person ever.
stupid.

something's up.
what the fuck is p. doing in the picture? she sent her home?
didn't you once say you don't want to meet up with her?
somethings's up. my gut feels like shit.

rushing work through the night, so i can head to the airport the next day with total peace of mind.
and not work, as she'd requested.
she called at 3am.
she didn't sound alone.

when i called,
you were at breakfast.
something about your tone's off.

oh, so you slept with her the night before.
wonderful. i'm pissed, but i understand the strange magic past loves can wrack on people.
i understand.
but i'm upset all the same. you didn't say no.
you didn't think of me at all, did you.
so what the hell am i.

over dinner, the one you so graciously paid,
you wouldn't stop talking about p. and d.
you said, "what will happen to you if p. and i get back together?"
i lost my appetite.
i nearly wanted to walk out, but i didn't.
because i didn't want to upset you.
stupid.

on the fifth night, i've had enough.
i asked you, "am i just merely convenient?"
you pushed me aside, and turned your back.
every question deserved an answer.
even then, i gave you the benefit of the doubt.

i never got to do my shopping for my colleagues.
we didn't have time.
you took my hand, and said,
"we'll go together to golden mile complex to buy, ok?
did you forget this promise?

so when you refused to answer,
or at least account for why you didn't turn up,
you turned my last free day to crap.
you didn't know that did you?

the only explanation you gave two days after,
was, "she wanted me out of her life. i was upset".
not a single "sorry" from you.
it's not okay. to treat me like this.
not when you pride yourself on your manners,
and expect others to treat you with the respect.

i never felt so small and insigficant. not even with rachel.

trust needs to be earned.
i don't trust you.

i have faith in you,
but faith is believing in someone. until it gives out.

"if you prick us, do we not bleed?"
my pain, my fears and my concerns are just as valid as yours.
but obviously, you don't give a fuck how i feel, do you.
empathy is in serious short order.

communication.
acting blur is always your strongest suit.
letting things hang until one side gives out.
and you walk away foot loose and fancy free.

don't expect me to give you the benefit of the doubt
when i have no information to work on.
blind faith lasts only this long.

you get what you give.
why should i put in that extra effort to decipher what you write?
to presume what you truly mean, in spite of your clumsy words.
i shouldn't have to. you honestly don't deserve that extra bit of priority.
you never extended that courtesy to me anyways, so why should i.

everything i say is a measure of logic.
even if it is flawed, the methods cannot be faulted.
you never gave me reason to believe otherwise.

matters of consequence?
you think the rest of us aren't plagued by this as well?
at least the rest of us take a little time out to listen.

being taken for granted. being taken for a ride.
stupid.

you insisted you wanted to pay for the bloddy hotel.
it was already a write off, because i wanted you to be safe.
then, complete radio silence.

since you were so adamant about paying,
i said alright. it's your honour, not mine.
a creditor has a right to demand the payment date, yes?

didn't it ever occur to you why i could be asking when you could pay?
maybe i needed it for something important.

but of course, i didn't matter. not to you anyways.

i never did, did I?