something

Melancholy does not become me. Yet on this supposedly joyous occasion i find myself weeping silently into my pillow, tears and snot ushering in the new year.

I hate that my mother and I are like this. I hate that she always never fails to use barbed remarks to get under my skin. And most of all, i loathe how she's always pulling ranks on me, simply becuase she is my mother and she is free to do whatever she wants, even to the extent of hitting, simply because i am her scion.

It isn't fair that she doesn't even listen to why i'm upset with her remarks - or why i have the right not to condone it, if the gist of her accusations were untrue. Or how she doesn't seem to get that certain things shouldn't be said even if in jest.

Somehow more and more I'm getting dragged down by a feeling of abandonment. Pop psychologists will probably disagree with it - afterall as the only child in the family abandonment is the last thing one would expect to be associated with. which, in my parents' defence, they didn't do anything that could be alluded to this latter-year manisfestation.

It's more than just what happened earlier. I can't put a finger on it- like a phantasm it lingers and settles uneasily onto the shoulders, and try as I may I just can't seem to shake it off successfully. Its cold, depressing shroud of gloom envelopes like a cloak, casting a shawdow on everything in my path.

My friends have deserted me too. Or at least this is how i feel. I don't find myself a priority in anyone's lives anymore, not even Shutian's. I am in Rachs' of course, but sometimes it feels like i'm a priority just because, an obligation stemming from the sole fact that we're in this. Together. There are rules and do-nots that I'm still trying to come to terms with - and it's tiring how everything i do is somehow never good enough. Maybe I'm self-punishing, I don't know. But it sucks to have your hand pushed away, or screamed at, or to have someone visibly annoyed or impatient. Double standards run both ways, in this case.

I've tried my best, but i can't seem to be happy, not on this new year's eve anyway. Tonight, it plain sucks to be me.